The Death of N.F.T.s | The New Yorker

We, the architects and early adopters of N.F.T.s (non-fungible tokens) hear you, and, efficient instantly, we’re shutting down N.F.T.s.

We hear you while you say that our expertise—producing digital certificates of authenticity on the blockchain through the use of highly effective computer systems—doesn’t meet any want apart from our personal lust for energy. We hear you while you say that these highly effective computer systems contribute unnecessarily to local weather change. We hear you since you’re being a wittle too loud.

All the good improvements of the previous—gravity, the printing press, the panini press—confronted skepticism. However we’re totally different from earlier innovators; we’re taking motion. By retiring N.F.T.s, we’re releasing up bandwidth to create even higher improvements to unravel humanity’s most urgent issues in additional ethical, equitable methods.

Listed below are among the newest and biggest concepts in our tech stack to fill the hole left by the demise of N.F.T.s.

PADOPs (Pouring Arsenic Immediately Onto Vegetation)

PADOPs could have a negligible impression on the planet (should you take into accounts the whole historical past of the planet). That may lead you to ask, “So, they’re doing simply as a lot injury as N.F.T.s?” We’re one step forward of you. We’re already exploring methods to cut back PADOPs’ environmental impression, and have made unbelievable strides with P.A.D.O.J.S.P.s (Pouring Arsenic Immediately on Simply Some Vegetation).

W.T.F.s (Wittle, Tiny Forest Fires)

W.T.F.s use the strategic burning of wooded areas to create an simple report of every transaction on the blockchain. A devastated forest is nature’s authentic certification of authenticity.

W.M.D.s 2.0

These are the weapons of mass destruction that you already know and love, however much more accessible to non-warlords. Anybody with a smartphone can commerce and visitors in percentages of planet-annihilating units—simply obtain the cool, easy-to-use Destroy app (iOS solely!). Now, a small-business proprietor should buy 0.0000000000000000000000000000001 per cent of a nuclear missile, or a stay-at-home mother can personal 0.00000000000000000001 per cent of a grenade launcher. And each can purchase their very personal flamethrower! That’s progress. For too lengthy, the barrier to enter warlording has been too excessive for normal individuals; W.M.D.s 2.0 welcome everybody to the American imperial dream of democratizing destruction and eventually making ruination accessible.

D.P.s and B00Bs (Dick Pics and Huge Ol’ Oval Boobies)

Boob, dick, and butt pics ought to make somebody attractive and make somebody cash. By registering your boob, dick, and/or butt pic and convincing ten mates to do the identical, you’ll be on the prime of a pyramid-like construction, which allows you to monetize the huge, surveillance-based cataloging of each penis, ass, and pair of breasts on Earth. Better of all, this delicate knowledge shall be hyper-encrypted in order that it can’t be misused by native legislation enforcement. It would solely be out there to be misused by federal legislation enforcement.

EPPEs (evil, pure, pure evil)

Lastly, we’re thrilled to debut EPPEs, a brand-new, never-before-seen expertise, which can (full disclosure) most likely finish most of humanity. Earlier than the skeptics and cancel-culture warriors object a wittle too loudly, although, understand that EPPE early adopters will be capable to construct a brand new society and pillage the belongings of the useless. Allow us to be clear—we really feel form of dangerous about this one. Even for us, it’s a bit a lot. Are we completely nonetheless going to deploy it? After all. However we’re going to grimace and sulk about like a schoolboy for a couple of days after. The world will nonetheless burn, however we shall be considerably dissatisfied in ourselves.

So, pour out a PADOP, burn a W.T.F., purchase a W.M.D., get attractive for D.P.s and B00Bs, and be fast about it. EPPEs are about to doc the ultimate transaction on the blockchain—the demise of humanity for a wittle bit of money.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.